Dear Ryan,

I'm not good with people. That's what I keep telling myself, Ryan. I'm not good with people. I keep telling myself this because all I can think about lately is us. Us as kids, us growing up, and the amount of possible memories that we could have had if I had just been better with people. We grew apart, that's expected when people get older. Lives get busier. Chores, work, school, kids, you name it. So many things come up that it seems you have everything but time. But all I can keep thinking is that I should have made the time.

I remember us as kids. I think I was in sixth grade, you were a couple of years younger. We were on the same baseball team. The Astros. We were good. I can remember it as if it was yesterday. Robbie and I were playing catch at Fairchild Park after one of your baseball games. Your dad walked by, and said "You should sign up!" Man... What a different person I was then. Too big for a kids jersey, that's for sure. But I took his advice. It was uncle Mark, man! The only uncle I was ever close with. And best of all, I was on your team, dude! Can't beat that. We were like yin and yang. The skinny little Ferrari, you, and the big and bulky Ferrari, me. They were good times, Ryan, I've been thinking of them a lot lately.

That's not where it ends, though. There are so many more memories that keep filling up my mind. I remember loving every time I got to sleep over your house, or you slept over mine. We'd play video games, talk about Pokemon, you name it, anything and everything kids were into at that time. It was awesome. You were my cousin, and you were my best friend. I remember us teasing William because he was JUST young enough that it was our duty. I remember us playing wrestling games because video games were what was cool and wrestling was even cooler!

You were cool, man. I never told you that. I wish I did. You were the coolest kid I knew, and I was shocked and happy that you wanted to hang out with me. Sometimes I felt like a rockstar. Ryan Ferrari wants to hang out with me? I'm the fat awkward kid! To me, you were the man. You had swagger before swagger was a thing. You had style. You were COOL! And you wanted to be my friend. I've thought about our relationship over the years, and it's funny. Usually the younger kid looks up to his older relatives. Not with us, Ryan. I looked up to you, man.

Did I mention how cool you were?! You were the only kid I knew with his own dirt-bike. I tried riding it once.... almost crashed.

It's hard, man. You have no idea. Well, maybe you do. I know you are up there, watching us. But let me tell you, Ryan. I love you, man. I try to get you out of my mind, because it's just too hard to think about. I want you to know one thing. I never stopped thinking you were the coolest. I am a shy person, and there were a lot of times I saw you where I didn't say much. That was just me being shy. Never confident, never cool. But I love you, Ryan. I will miss you until the day I die. And when that day comes, I expect you to be there waiting for me. So we can be as close as we used to be, as close as I wish we never stopped being.

I love you, Ryan.